"Anticipatory Grief"

M had some pamphlets and books in his office titled, "Making Decisions". I really haven't read it. I can't read it because it makes this hell so real. As you can imagine, we are having a very hard time with this diagnosis. I have been shedding more tears then can be counted and I keep shaking my head like this is a terrible dream. Greg has read the book and told me I am experiencing something called "anticipatory grief". You think????

Here's what this book says about anticipatory grief:

"Common anticipatory grief emotions include anxiety, anger, denial, or guilt: anxiety about have to say goodbye to your pet, anger that your pet is sick, denial about the seriousness of your pet's condition, or guilt about things you believe you may have done that contributed to your pet's condition."

Let's see, in the past few days I have:

1) Had what I think is my first anxiety attack as I couldn't calm my hands from shaking
2) Anger that it is MY beloved pet that has to go through this
3) Denial it isn't as bad as it seems and that Arlie could be the pup that goes years after a "shadow" on his lung....It's a shadow right? I mean, it can't be a tumor? And if it is a tumor perhaps it's just benign and coincidence that it is there?
4) Writing M convinced (after reading the internet) that we did this with the food we gave him or the vaccines Arlie has had in his life. Asking if if it was US that caused this? He wrote back the following:

Hi Andrea,
In short: No.  There is NO scientific evidence to link that with the
development of osteosarcoma.  I don't know why people put that out
there. Please remember, you did not cause this or could have done
anything different to prevent it from occurring in Arlie.
For osteosarcoma, there are certain predisposing factors such as bone
implants and prior radiation to the leg that have been linked to the
cancer in some dogs.  Also, pure breeds are more affected than mix breed
dogs in general, and large and giant breeds are predisposed to getting
bone cancer. However, cancer can strike any dog. Please read those
reports on the internet with caution (no editor keeping checks on those
reports and everyone is an 'expert').
I hope this helps you, have a good weekend, and please give Arlie a big
hug from me,

I'm reading this email for the millionth time right now and thinking, "Let's see....bone implants? No. Prior radiation? No. Pure breeds? No. Large or Giant Breed? His father is a mini for heavens sake!!! Cancer can strike any dog? Crap. 

I use this blog as my therapy. It's kind of like I'm pouring my heart out to people that I don't know and can judge me for being THIS sad about a dog. Here there are people in this world that are losing their loved humans to cancer and I'm crying and can't get a grip about my dog! I figure if you are reading this blog, you too love dogs and maybe even have a place in your heart for Arlie Barley.